My Many Hats

July 31, 2020,

When I was little I wanted to be a ballerina. It was the tutu and the shoes, it was the shoes, I'm sure. I remember saying I wanted to be a mechanic at one time too, but I don't have any idea why, except it looked interesting and a mechanic usually brought my parents' great relief, in the end. 

I bounced between an opera singer to the Peace Corp for awhile. Then over time, I realized that it was because I fantasized about being something all. of. the. time. I didn't confuse real-life things like mechanic and opera singer with a girl pirate or Indian captive. I KNEW being left on a deserted island wasn't as likely as being a mom with a half a dozen kids...oddly enough I did fantasize about the both of them. So I never said to my parents: I want to be a nurse in the Army. I said stuff like: I want to be a writer. 

The older I got and having had told too many adults way to many of the I-want-to-be-when-I-grow-up stories, I started keeping them to myself. Then what happened was, I began to hear things like this: you have too many irons in the fire, or stick to one thing and last and not least: what is it this time! eeeww, that hurt. I passed it off, trying to be cute: Jack of all trades, master of none.

When I got married and had my six children, my dreams were coming true. And within that Realm, I got to wear many hats and it's been awfully exciting. A secretary, a seamstress, gardener, chief cook, and bottle washer... a laundress! I was even a milkmaid for a short time. Wow, my resume was tanking. My kids got older and my hats stopped fitting, in fact they started making me look fat, I began thinking about some of the old things I wanted to do. 

Like being an herbalist. That project took me down a rabbit hole I wasn't sure I was cut out to be, like a practitioner. I just don't have what it takes and I didn't get that until I was faced with: Do you consult? I sat there looking at the sweet lady and the thought kept going through my head, she's going to ask me the questions I would only be googling and then repeating back to her, when she could do the same...nope, not my thing. 

So I said, "I can share what I do know, but no, I am not qualified." I should say not! I may come off as a Know-It-All, but THAT I ain't. I love to help my family and my friends but I don't think this is my 'calling'.

 Let's keep this straight, being a wife and mother is just the rest of me, that's not even a hat. After I accepted the wife hat I grew part of my husband and the mama hat was like I just grew more of myself, like eyes on the back of my head, an extra pair of hands, and a giant heart. It's the same with being a Christian, that isn't a hat either. I just wish I knew these things before I launched into months of dedicated, research-mad, heart-wrenching, daydreaming...it's ok, I have truly enjoyed every minute. But I'm afraid it makes me misunderstood.

Saying: I am a writer (wife, mom of six is so comfortable and easy), and trying on that hat makes me feel like I just stepped out of the closet. I am exposing some sort of secret, and really stretching it out there. A writer, now what? 

I question myself because I am three-fourths of the way through a revision on my first novel. I am planning a self-publishing adventure, equipped with lots of social media exposure. I even went with a pen name with the intention of keeping my writing habit my 6am secret. But then if I self publish I can't do that! 

So, I'm out. I found a place to express my experiences and live vicariously under the many hats I intend on writing about. I plan on surviving a shipwreck and living on a deserted island; I will be wandering until I stumble into a new world that lay in the crevice of the desert; I will fight a dragon and team up with a bard; I will fall in love with a mercenary. Last but not least I plan on marrying a horse thief...now wait, there's a twist to that one!